Returning to the small things
The life changing things are in there, trust me.
I’ve been praying this entire year for one big professional thing that will make up for the suffering I’ve endured with unemployment, and suddenly it was Christmas day. Christmas night, actually, and I’m lying in bed with the love of my life, debriefing the day and the new Benoit Blanc movie. It holds up. You should see it if you haven’t. My theory held up, and I love it when I’m right, I mean, who doesn’t? Anyways being right with it gives me some professional validation in this sea of doubt. I mean, I am some sort of lawyer and writer, I *should* be good at solving mysteries, finding answers.
In debriefing the movie and the day, I tell him something that’s just occurred to me. God is nigh in times of need, and I’ve always known my God to be sentimental because I am. I had told my mum earlier that I would attend service online to spare me the lesson of how my life had turned to shit because I stopped going. Of course I didn’t, but it doesn’t mean that God didn’t come to me. I saw a series of unlikely posts about God and his voice being small, fond, and local. You see, we pray for big miracles and we should; we’re hungry as human beings: it’s the core of being alive, but if you’ve ever been starving for food, you’ll know that you don’t eat a big feast at first. What often satisfies you is nine mouthfuls. One of the posts said ninety percent of what is wrong with us could be cured with a hot bath. And with spoilers ahead, in the new Benoit Blanc movie, there is a character looking to be cured who isn’t, but somehow finds her way back to her craft despite her pain day by day. And it all came together in my mind. It is not that God will not answer my big prayer or do me a big miracle when it’s time, but what I need is what I have, what I can give myself with help from a few good people: daily sustenance. And all these things that can make us whole slowly over time are already within our reach, and that’s why I now call God affectionately, my god of small things.
I started antidepressants this week, and the doctor says it will take at least two weeks to feel any effects, so from day 1-13 I’m mostly building the habit, which is a lot when you’re waiting or looking for a solution, and boy dont I know it. And sometimes when we’re waiting for something to be solved or change for the better, we try to rush the process, and social media is full of advice that speeds things up when we should be slowing down. I should be slowing down, not enhancing, especially with relationships.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind. I wish I knew this wasn’t just pertaining to revenge, but also in the way we conduct relationships. You see, I suffered a lot of hardships with relationships, and I got the silly idea to take relationship advice from tiktok where everything is without nuance. I guess I was desperate for justice in some way for the harm or heartbreak that I was willing to try anything, but all it left me was hard. What I thought was mirroring people’s behaviour was merely being uncharacteristic. I think we can forgive people whilst maintaining boundaries and maybe repair the relationship if there’s substance and commitment, but I’m still working on that, so I’ll let you know how it goes. In confessing my TikTok sins, I should also probably let you know I ate grapes under the table TWICE!
In an era of solving problems, I have found that the simple things work the most. The things that change your life are hidden in idioms and poetry and psychedelics lol. And it is because simple things are not simple at all. You try building a suburban life, and you see how complicated consistency is. The big exciting things will come, and they will dazzle us, but I don’t think they canhold us, so we must build upon the small things; they will last, they are okay. With my unemployment, I revel in my tutoring, which has been going on since July and has grown from one student to thirteen, and I am at least curious to see what happens in exam season. At the start of the year, I wanted a big girl corporate job, or (and) a big writing gig: I’m a damn good writer, I’m qualified for them, I applied for them, I am worthy of them, but perhaps this is where I am needed now, so I am staying. Little drops of ocean make a tiny water. In times when you can’t be hopeful, try to be non-negative. Glass half full, glass half empty, what matters is that the glass is refillable. Keep things simple and hope for the best, or you know, do what you like. Happy New Year!